


Torn in Two

by Merwild



Category: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Blow Jobs, First Kiss, First Time Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Grinding, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-02 13:36:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13319256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merwild/pseuds/Merwild
Summary: Ignis is home for Noctis. Noctis is home for Ignis. The two men spent most of their life side by side and love happened. Love that lasted for more than a decade and that could live forever? This story follows Noctis and Ignis' love story, from the beginning to the end(s).





	1. Stay

**Author's Note:**

> This story is told by Noctis and Ignis. The story starts 2 months before the beginning of FFXV.   
> Edited by http://draiad.tumblr.com/

_Noctis_

 

My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest, and damn, it's freezing! What was I thinking? Asking to go out while it's so cold? I was feeling much better inside, on my couch.

Hands in my pockets, I take a look at him over my shoulder. Ignis is half hidden in his car. One step outside was enough to completely cover his glasses with mist. Every winter, it's the same story, and while it should make me laugh, today this doesn't even bring a smile on my face. I'm too cold for that kind of mood.

What is he doing?

“Is that cloth gone?”

After a few seconds, Ignis's voice echoes from his open door:

“Just a second.”

“Neat as you are, it's probably lost forever,” I notice.

This time, I smile. Not that it's funny. No, it's just nerves. I'm nervous. I take a deep breath that might sound like a sigh. The following second, Ignis emerges from the car, his glasses in his hand. The other closes then locks the door. Elegant as ever, he joins me on the pavement.

“You're not putting them on?” I ask.

My teeth are chattering and I'm pretty sure there is frost on the tip of my hair. Fucking frost!

“I rather not turn blind. The condensation should vanish once the spectacles are at ambient temperature. I will put them on when I'm seated.”

“Just to avoid banging in a tree?”

“Trees?” He says as he looks around, squinting his eyes like he barely sees anything. “Where?”

Humor? He's in a good mood tonight.

“We're freezing, Ignis.”

I can't deny it, it's not only cold here, but also as dark as a tomb. When I asked him to go out tonight, I was expecting something else, something better, or at least I wasn't expecting to shake from every part my body. I know what you're thinking. No, it's not a prince's whim. Call it common sense. I never wanted to… wait! Is it really snowing now?

“Come,” Ignis tells me. “Let's go find something… comforting.”

His hand briefly touches my shoulder and I follow him down the way. We walk under the trees Ignis pretended not to see. Under our feet, the rounded shapes drawn on the floor give me vertigo. Still nervous. I look up, my chin and mouth buried in my scarf, and I blow a hot breath to wake up the lower part of my face. This heat is nice. I wish I could say the same for my hands. Soon I won't feel my fingers anymore.

“Now I get it,” I laugh through the thick wool.

Not far from here, the light of an Ebony sign glows in the night. Ignis' passion for this canned coffee will always be a mystery to me. But now I understand why we're here. He's smiling and I wonder if it's the cold breeze or the smell of the coffee that makes his green eyes shine. Whatever, it's nice.

“You wanted me to surprise you but I am certainly unable to do such thing,” he says, his smile getting a bit wider.

“You didn't even try, you mean.”

Hanging his glasses to his collar, he orders two cups. Nervous as I am, I'm not sure I can drink mine. My heart is beating faster and faster. Can it stop? Not like that but please. I need to breathe. A look around tells me that we're all alone here. Here? What looks like a garden with naked trees, a few benches and a quiet fountain in the middle. In front of Ignis, the merchant is reading his newspaper, his hands trapped in disproportioned red gloves. 

“Noct.”

I come back to reality and grab the mug waiting in front of me. It's burning, for a change. Ignis vaguely points out a bench a few steps away. He puts his specs on as his ass touches the wood. What for? In a couple of seconds, the glasses are already covered with mist.

And I tell myself that I could do it now, right now, while he barely sees anything.

No. I want him to see me.

 

_Ignis_

 

The little garden and the world around disappear in an instant, as if trapped in the fog. I can't help but sigh but I'm not truly surprised, naturally. Yet, it's still quite annoying. I appreciate things to be crystal clear and here I am, blinded, with the feeling of being lost in clouds.

“How many fingers do I have?” Noct asks me from the other side of my steamy spectacles, and I fight the urge to take them off once again.

“I sincerely hope for your own sake that you own ten of them. Should the opposite occur, I have no doubt that you'll find a way to live with it.”

I let my beverage bring a bit of life in my numb fingers and I wait in silence until my sight comes back. The garden is so quiet in this season, only for Noctis' irregular breath on my left.

“You come here often?”

Something is wrong, I can feel it. I didn't notice it when he got in the car earlier tonight. Maybe I am able to see the difference now because of the temporary blindness, but the change in his voice is obvious. Noctis seems… uneasy. Something in the ton of his voice, in his breathing, as if he's expecting an unpleasant event to come.

I still answer like I haven't noticed because it could still be my imagination.

“I used to visit several times a week, especially after my meetings at the Palace. They used to end earlier back then and the park is on the way to your former high school. I rarely come here now.

Time passes, silence comes back, and I take a careful sip or two of my coffee. Slowly, my vision clears and I add, moved by the golden light illuminating the place:

“You should see it in spring, Noct. It's absolutely stunning. I should have brought you here much sooner.

“Yeah,” he murmurs.

That tone again, this strange mood, and I can't help but look in his direction. It is not my imagination. He is staring at the dancing reflexions on the surface of his coffee. The Noctis I know would have closed his eyes already, sleepy, probably bored. It might be the cold that forces this stiff posture but I doubt it. I know him.

“Is everything alright?”

“Hum? Yeah.”

A simple answer, his preferred kind of answer to be honest. He doesn't even look at me though. Is he mad at me for not taking him to this park before, or for taking him here on one of the chilliest day of the year? He is shaking from head to toes and the tip of his nose is red. It will not be long before it turns blue. What an idiot I am! Noctis is going to get sick because of me.

“We can drink our coffee inside the car,” I propose, ready to get up.

And as I am expecting him to agree and leave without hesitation, he only turns his eyes to me. His big, dark blue eyes – the blue of kings-, so preoccupied. His face mingles with the puffs of breath escaping my lips. Before I can resist, my eyes glance for a few seconds to his mouth, seconds that last longer than I wish, then I look up, ready to follow his order to leave, as soon as he will say the word.

“Is everything alright,” I ask again even if I can easily guess the answer he will give me. “Noct?”

“I...”

He is struggling inside, it seems. What is he trying to tell me? Did something happen that he is afraid to share with me?

All of my questions fly away in a snap of the fingers when he leans forward, closer, always closer, and that his lips press against mine.

I can't believe it. It's not… not possible. Noctis wouldn't… He would never do that. Why would he?

In my confusion, I only feel his cold lips in the depth of my being. They're like an electroshock, tensing every muscle, every nerve in my body. He's so close. I… I can't…

 

_Noctis_

 

My chest is going to explode. I'm gonna die if it doesn't stop.

His lips are so warm. I think I stopped breathing. I can't feel my body. Well I do, I feel that fucking heart drumming in my ears. And his lips, they're almost burning me… Ignis.

He suddenly backs down, eyes wide open. Shocked, as if I just slapped him. He… What did I do? Fuck! What did I just do?

“Noct.”

I read my name on his lips. I can't hear his voice. That damn heartbeat is deafening. I don't dare move, I can't move. But I have to move or it will get worse.

What was I thinking?

I move back and look away. How could I look at him right now? His horrified eyes, the way he leans back to stay away from me. I don't want to see that.

“Noctis.”

His voice is like a punch in my stomach and I'm suddenly on my feet.

“Bring me back home,” I whisper.

Actually, I'm begging. It's torture. What are we still doing here? I need to leave. I need to be alone and… Ignis. Damn it! I'm a fucking idiot! I'm so stupid!

“Noct, I…”

“Fuck it!” I swear between my clenched teeth, and I run off, getting rid of my goblet in the nearest trashcan.

“Noctis!”

He follows me. I have to get inside the car. In the shadow, I won't be able to see his face. I don't want to see his face. He calls me again and my name sounds so wrong now. He can keep his pity; he can keep his disgust. I grab the car handle and pull to open. I don't say anything, don't ask anything, or maybe I swear without noticing. I begin consider walking back home. How lucky! I don't even know exactly where we are. The door finally opens as the lock clicks. I'm inside in an instant. Did I teleport? Don't know. Don't give a shit.

Maybe he can hear me begging in silence because Ignis remains quiet all along. I don't hear my name again or… Nothing. Only the engine and my heart still bursting out in my chest. I don't want to think of the million things I could have done instead of kissing him. And what it's going to cost me… I can't believe I lost him.

Ignis. Why?

No light, no signs. I barely see the road and yet, it's fucking endless. There is like a force somewhere torturing me.

Ignis parks the car at last and I leave before the wheels even stop turning.

“Noctis!” he calls me.

I know he just got out of the car and that he's following me but I pretend to be deaf, because I can't pretend to be fine. Nothing will ever be fine. Through the path leading to the main door, through the lobby and the stairs, Ignis is there. I avoid the elevator. This stupid machine is too slow and I dread to be stuck with him in it. Yet, his steps echo behind me as I run up the stairwell.

One more hallway. My apartment is close.

This is fucked up! I'm running like he's a predator. An hour ago, he was everything I wanted.

He still is.

The nerves -damn nerves- take control of my body and I fight with my keys. I'm inside, he's behind me. Did I let him in?

“Noct, talk to me,” he's imploring.

 

_Ignis_

 

I keep my distance but the waiting and the tension are agony. What did he read in my eyes? Fear? Disgust? How could he believe that? If only he knew what I truly feel. I'm ashamed, so ashamed. Why did I shy away when everything I wanted was there in front of me? Because he's my prince and one day he will be my king? He's Noct and I hurt him beyond words. It impossible for me to leave before I sooth his pain, before I undo the damage I caused.

He's all I have.

He's… All I want.

 

_Noctis_

 

He calls my name again. I can't stop myself anymore. I throw my coat on the floor, then my scarf. This thing is strangling me.

“Get the hell out of here, Ignis!”

It's so hot in here. I'm filled with shame. I've never talked to him that way and I don't want to. What I want: leave my body, get rid of my skin and hide. What did I fucking do? It's fucked. How could I be around him after that? How could… I ruined everything. More that fifteen years of friendship crushed by a kiss. I lost him.

“No.”

It's barely a murmur. I don't look at him but I feel his gaze on me. I can always feel it. His shocked look after I kissed him… I'm dizzy now. My hand finds the wall in front of me, not far from my bedroom door. I let myself go against it and I breathe. I try. I take my time but it's not working. He needs to go. I have to breathe. At this point, I'm not even sure I remember how to do it.

“Go back to your place, Ignis,” I say, suffocating, my voice hoarse.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. Why did it end like this?

He's walking, not far from me. He opens the door and closes it a second later. The lock turns.

But he's still here, filling the air with his warmth. His breath is loud. The rustle of his jacket is too. I can't look. It hurts too much.

Ignis's fingers run on the back of my neck.

Am I dreaming his touch? He's gone and I'm dreaming?

Then up, through my hair. I shiver. When he finally whispers my name again, his breath caresses my cheek.

Right now, there are no walls around me, no ground under my feet, only his fresh breath on my face, strong enough to ruffle my eyelashes. I think I'm panting. It's so hard to… Ignis is so close. His hand keeps caressing my hair. It's good, so good.

“Noct.”

That breath again. A smell of coffee. Of his skin. It's his face I feel against mine. I kissed him and yet, he's never been closer. Not like this.

 

_Ignis_

 

I should be thinking about what happened in the park, what happened on this bench. Suddenly, everything makes sense. The tension in Noct's voice, the way he stared at me, remained silent, hesitant, as if he was keeping an unforgiving secret. Then his lips. The cold touch warmed me to my core. It's was brief, terribly brief, barely a decent kiss…

I don't want to think anymore.

I know what I want. It's here, under my fingertips.

I stop myself from holding him in my arms and never letting go. The effort itself is insuperable. When my forehead presses against his temple, the tip of my nose feeling is cheekbone, fear almost paralyzes me. I've never touched him like this, close enough to count his heartbeats with my own skin, and yet it's still not enough.

I want more.

I want him.

His eyes are full of tears, tears trapped in his long lashes. The hint of a moan escapes my control, then Noctis' breath runs on my face. I cross the line, forgetting the few inches that keep our lips apart, and I kiss him.

I kiss him. I… I love him.

It's incredible. None of the fantasies I have allowed myself to sustain match the softness of his lips. They're warm now, quite dry but slick against my mouth. A shiver runs down my spine and I moan. Again? Did I moan before? I can't remember.

Noct.

He wraps his arms around me, fingers sliding along my ribs. I should step back, give him the time to talk, but I'm unable to do so. Still holding his face between my palms, I press my entire self against him. He doesn't refuse my embrace, on the contrary. His lips part, freeing his burning breath. I don't resist, not even a fragment of second, and our kiss deepens. By the Six, this is so good I could lose my mind, and for a moment this is what happens. I let go of his face and close my arms around his body. Noct follows my moves and holds on to my shoulders. His mouth tastes like honey and he offers me his sweet tongue, stealing a groan from me.

Noct.

I couldn't desire him more than I do right now. I'm burning from the inside out. It's him, his skin, his perfume, but I don't care. He's everything.

Panting, I lift him from the ground, my hold on his frail body stronger than ever. This is insane. I've been dreaming of this kiss for so long but I had never anticipated the effect it would have on me. On him. His moaning, his hands on my neck, in my hair, pressing on the back of my head, his tongue caressing mine relentlessly, and…

Oh my… He's hard against me, and I'd be lying if I told that I'm not as well.

This is when my senses come back to me, ruffled and numb, but well aware that this kiss is about to lead us further. Unless I react.

 

_Noctis_

 

My feet hit the ground.

No, no, no! Not now. I don't want him to stop.

I hug him tighter but his arms let go of me. Though he's not pushing me away. His forehead presses against my temple, his breathe brushes my jaw. As I'm about to resume our kissing, he retreats, rubbing his face with both hands. He's still wearing his leather gloves?

“Ignis,” I mutter, my hands still rested on his shoulders.

One more step back and he's out of reach. I don't dare move, I couldn't face another rejection.

“Ignis,” I repeat.

“I need to refresh myself.”

I need a moment to process the meaning of his words.

“Ok.”

And he leaves the hallway, disappearing inside my apartment. I don't follow right away. The change in the atmosphere is mortifying. Suddenly, the door of the bathroom shuts and I jump ever so slightly. I'm really scared. What just happened? Not the kiss. This was exactly what I wanted. It was perfect. But this. Why did Ignis stop us?

Regrets. It's the first word to cross my mind, like a stray bullet. My heart never stopped racing. With this idea on top of the rest, it's getting worse, more painful. Yes, even more than before.

I turn and walk in the living room. It's dark in here. Ignis didn't turn on the light on his way. That doesn't sound like him. How could he be himself? What we did… that kiss. I can still feel the wet warmth of his mouth on my tongue. His hands on my waist, on my back. This is so bizarre and yet it was so natural. I felt so safe in his arms. At home. It was like…

 

_Ignis_

 

Like inviting a stranger in my home and realizing that this person was needed all along. That kiss was like putting everything in order for the first time in my life. It was right.

Then why do I feel so ashamed? This question is a lie and a way to pretend. I know why I'm ashamed.

I love him. I've always loved Noctis, but this is not an excuse. No matter what I'd give and give up for him, I shouldn't have done that. I fought this love, this attraction, for years. I thought I was free, that I could move on.

Until tonight.

I splash water on my face, once, then again. When I straighten, the mirror shows to me the picture of a man I barely recognize. My hair is all over the place, my lips are reddened and slightly swollen. Furthermore, the two first buttons of my shirt are open. When did Noctis manage to… I was right: without even noticing, things were getting out of control. It's a good thing I stopped us before it went too far.

Is it?

I only have to think about his palm sliding in the hollow of my neck, running down my chest, for my senses to ignite. I want all of this. My body and my mind are begging me to give in. My conscience commands me to get myself together and leave this building at once.

I cannot. It is as simple as that.

I cannot.

I cling to the edges of the sink, as hard as I can, and stare at my reflexion. This man in front of me is wrong. He is about to make a huge mistake.

I have to leave.

I go back to the living room and find Noctis waiting, standing on his feet on the other side of the dining table, arms alongside his body. At the sound of my steps, he looks up. The hint of distress in his eyes makes me nauseous. I struggle against the need to run to him and comfort him. My instinct is guiding me, but it's time to think. I cannot say that it is time to be reasonable. I am not sure to be able of such accomplishment right now, not when all of my thoughts send me back to the brief moment of happiness Noctis and I just shared.

It is dark but the light coming from the city outside is enough to see his face. He is so beautiful in this very moment. Actually, have I ever stopped marveling at his sheer beauty?

The words I hear then are those of a fool.

“I need you to tell me what I must do,” I whisper, staying still, turning the distance between us into a shield. This shield is meant to protect him from this madness, from the pain that it could cause. From me? This time, I will not resist. Unless he tells me to go, I will not stop myself from showing him how much I love him. I know I just need one word. One word and I am his. “What do I have to do, Noct?”

And he gives me the word.

“Stay.”


	2. As Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just keep in mind that English isn't my first language. I hope that this chapter will still be pleasant to read. Enjoy!
> 
> Edited by http://draiad.tumblr.com/

_Ignis_

 

Stay, he said. This is probably the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It echoes in my head, the beauty of this word slowly anchoring in my mind.

I stay.

There is silence now only interrupted by the soft murmuring of Noctis' heavy breathing. He swallows hard and his hand moves up to his chest before going back down after a short hesitation. He's shaking. Is he afraid? Still cold? Seconds pass and he remains quiet, filling the darkness with his nervous breath. I cannot leave him like this.

Just like a few minutes ago, I take the initiate. After refreshing my face, I didn't put my gloves back on. Further proof that I was never ready to leave. They are still in my hand. Without breaking eye contact with Noctis, I put the gloves on the table to my left, then I take off my spectacles. It might not change anything at all, but I do not want to look at Noctis through lens. From where he stands, absolutely still, his eyes look black. Is it strange that I have always loved him in this faint kind of light? When the night itself awakes the contours of his body, of his face. Or do I favor this lighting because I like the intimacy that it procures?

It is my turn to breath with full lungs. Why is he still so far away from me?

I take one step in his direction and Noctis suddenly leaves his lethargy and runs to me.

 

_Noctis_

 

I can't believe it. Damn it! He didn't run away. He's… in my arms. I hold him tight and I don't have to ask or do anything else. His grip on me is strong, warm. His face disappears in the hollow of my neck and I gasp at the touch. All of a sudden, it's like he's everywhere on me. Ignis' hands hold me, caress on my back, the nape of my neck. He takes deep breaths, again and again and again, groans ever so slightly. Before I understand what's happening, his lips find my mouth and I open it right away.

It only takes a moment for my body to react. I arch against him, begging.

I want him.

I want to feel him.

My hands move by instinct, right under my sweater… to take it off.

Fuck! Did I just… throw my sweater on the floor? That was fast. Ignis catches his breath as he looks at me, at my bare torso. In the hurried move, my t-shirt stayed trapped in the sweater. Believe it or not, I'm half naked now.

What the fuck? I didn't even ask him first. I wasn't really thinking. That kiss, that was too much.

Is it too late to ask?

“Do you want to… Do you?”

Whoa! Shaky voice. Please don't go, Ignis. Just don't. But he nods for at least ten seconds straight, looking up and down at my face, my chest, biting his lips.

“Yes,” he whispers and that's all it takes to have him getting rid of his own sweater.

The shirt under it remains stuck in his pants but it's already half unbuttoned. Did I do that? Yeah, sounds like me.

He kisses me again as I help him to take his shirt off and… what? More clothes? Before I can tear off this stupid tank top, Ignis wraps his arms around me and the touching resumes. I let myself melt against him, helpless to do anything else. His arms are so strong, so hot around me. I moan at the sensation of his skin rubbing against my ribs.

I'm this close to falling. Yeah, I'm just going to collapse, like this, like a dead weight. My fucking legs are shaking so much. The pressure of this day, of this decision to kiss him, to show him the truth… It was exhausting. Now that I'm releasing a big part of the tension, the rest of it is still forcing my heart to race, I can barely stand anymore.

Carefully, I guide Ignis to the couch. Actually I'm not sure I'm going in the right direction but I guess we'll get somewhere eventually. My damn feet are clumsy but they hold on. When they can't anymore, we both fall, limbs tangled. Ignis' weight crashes on mine. Fuck! His knee just hit my crotch! That's ok, it doesn't hurt. Not that much. Maybe I cried out or I swore because he backs down, his eyes going back and forth, alarmed. Does he need to worry so much? I'm fine!

“Did I hurt you?” he asked, out of breath and I shake my head no.

“Take off your top.”

Not a direct reply to his question but still an eloquent answer. I feel good enough to remember what I want: Him.

He obeys and as he stands up in front of me, the moonlight lights up his bare chest. His skin as white as snow. For a moment, I stare at him, mesmerized. I've never seen him like this, ruffled and... so exposed. His lips are swollen and shiny. My doing. His hair falls in his eyes, tousled on the neck. Or more like tousled everywhere. Stunning! There is a mark on his chest, right under the collarbone. A scratch, from me? I hope so. Fascinated, I raise my hand to touch the red line. I can't help but follow the curve of his pecs. Ignis' breathing is deep under my palm. I'd want him to make that sound right inside my ear but I can't ask. It would be weird, no?

“Whoa!” I whisper.

Isn't it strange to feel like this while I've already seen him half-naked before? I can't say that I know his body but it's not new. I have eyes and I use them. I've looked. After training, we shortly share a moment in the locker-room. It happened so many times I lost count. I always take a look. Curiosity, then desire. I've thought of this body many, many times. But now… Ignis is standing in front of me, offering himself. It's like I'm seeing him for the first time.

I'm not sure what I should do now. Just thinking of it confuses me. I know him so well and yet, I have absolutely no idea how to make things right with him.

No way I'm letting this ruin everything. I say the first thing that comes to my head because it's better than nothing.

“Take off my pants.”

I can't ask him to undress. I would sound like a Prince giving an order. This kind of thing doesn't belong here. I still gave him an order though…

“Please,” I add, like this single word could change everything.

I'm ridiculous. When is the last time I said this word? I try to answer this question when I quickly realize that I don't give a shit. Why am I so fucking nervous again? I just need this to be simple. It's not my first time having sex. So why is it so complicated?

Because I've known him my whole life?

Because unlike the others I had sex with, I truly care about him?

So many questions, huh? One answer: because it's Ignis and I don't want to lose him.

Ignis licks his lips. His eyes wander my body and stop at my pelvis. His fingers undo the buttons, the zipper. There's no doubt, no hesitation in his movements. His beautiful eyes never leave that area.

Maybe it's going too fast for him? Doesn't look like it.

To answer my silent question, he curls his fingers around the layers of fabric, and pulls down. And down. And… My heart misses a beat. He pauses at some point, eyes locked on my erection, mouth half open. Two seconds. Ten seconds… Will he…

Yes. He goes on until I'm completely free of my clothes.

That's it. I'm naked, before his very eyes.

 

_Ignis_

 

I cannot look away. To be completely honest, can I even pretend that I'm trying? You know the truth: his body is like a gift. I have waited for this moment for so long that it seems surreal. I have to touch him. By the Six! This is happening. This is truly happening.

“Can I touch you, Noct?” I ask him and I notice that my right hand is still firmly holding his trousers and his underwear.

His face is red, just like his ears popping out of his black hair. I wonder what he's thinking about right now. Without showing any sign of fear, could he still be dreading this physical contact?

“Yeah,” he tells me under his breath, his chest rising erratically. “Please.”

This word sounds wrong from Noctis' mouth and yet, I'd love to come closer and kiss him hard to swallow the sound. Instead I drop the clothes trapped in my fist and I reach out to rest my hand on the side of his thigh. The shiver that runs along his leg vibrates under my palm. I stroke his skin, higher and higher, feeling the muscles and the bone of his hip. I wait for desire to become unbearable to touch his cock. His reaction pleases me beyond words. A gasp, his fist grabbing the couch, his eyes staring at my hand, his breathing stopping for a moment. I enjoy it all, marking this picture in my memory.

The skin is so remarkably smooth and hot, slightly retracted. Such things could stop me from ever getting sleep again.

I lose track of time somehow, yet what follows happens fast, maybe too fast for my own taste.

Noctis rises on his elbows and starts to open my belt. I watch, and then help. Quickly, my pants end up around my knees, and I lie down on Noctis, skin to skin, enjoying every curve of his wonderful body with my own. Soon I rub myself against him in a pretense of the act of sex, my face nestled in his throat. He whimpers and calls my name again and again, not for long, before his tone changes.

“Ignis, wait,” he mutters in my ear, his fingers painfully clinging to my sides.

I just… It's so good! I don't want to stop. Yet I freeze.

I suddenly feel it. Warm and slick between our two bodies. Trembling in my arms, Noctis groans loudly. Frustration, this is what he seems to express.

“Noct?”

“Shit! Shit! I didn't want… Damn it!”

The confirmation to my own reflection. He released himself already. This… This was too much for him… How sensitive is he? Is it my fault? Was it too rough? I can't deny that I got carried away.

“It's alright, Noct,” I try to reassure him, because is it.

It truly is.

“Damn it!” he spits again.

“Don't you worry about that, alright?”

He avoids my gaze for a moment, looking straight at the moon through the bay window.

“Don't go,” he demands as he turns his face to me, his jaw tightened.

“I'm not going anywhere. I promise.”

Should this ever become a lie, I will never forgive myself.

And now, without further ado, Noctis pushes me away, at first to free himself from my weight, and then to make me sit on the perpendicular part of the sofa. What he is…?

Oh, Noct…

Slowly, he kneels on the floor, at my feet. With the same care, he gets rid of my trousers hanging on my ankles, and his hands slide between my legs to…

By the Six, Noct! The adrenaline rush pulsing through my chest is almost painful. He's about to… I have to stay calm and regain control of myself.

I let him guide me even though I want to say something, anything to get a clearer view of his true intentions. But damn! They are pretty obvious. I spread my legs and he bends over, stroking my inner thigh mechanically. His eyes never leave my cock, still hard.

“Noct.” He looks at me like he just remembered I'm still in the room. “You have no obligation to… to do this.”

Is it my own voice I hear in my head, screaming _Yes please_?

“You want me to stop?”

By everything that is good in this world, no! Uncontrollably, I shake my head, giving him the right to proceed, and I close my fists on the mattress, expectant.

Once again, everything happens really fast and the sensations are... disconcerting. Noctis' motions are fast, awkward, like he's in a rush, like he doesn't truly know what he's doing. He's not really good at it. If he was another man, I'd hardly manage to remain aroused. But…

I won't be able to hold much longer. The sight of his lips going up and down on me is enough to make me deny my own name. I would. For him I…

“Noct!” I cry out, my hand rising in the air as if to grab his hair.

The sight of his dark eyes suddenly looking at me stops my hand. He's so beautiful. Those eyes. He's breathtaking.

It's more than I can take.

Noctis keeps moving until the end then he backs down, turning his face away, coughing.

“Noct, are… are you… are you alright?” I stammer in the midst of this confusing pleasure.

“Yeah” he answers after a brief nod.

The back of his hand wipes the corner of his mouth in a pressing movement that he softens the moment he glances in my direction. I don't dare move from my sit. Something changed in the atmosphere and right now, I could not say if it is a good or a bad feeling that is filling the room.

 

_Noctis_

 

I'm an idiot.

It's the first time I… I bet it was terrible. I know, he came anyway but… I know it was bad.

I didn't want him to leave. What came over me? _Give him a head, Noct! Best way to stop him from leaving, Noct!_

I'm an idiot.

Now he's staring at me. I want to run away but that would be lame considering how much I want to be with him. So what do I do now? Do I say something? No, that would be embarrassing. Maybe I should get up. I'm still between his legs, on my knees. I'm a bit cold now. Cold and scared.

“Noct,” he calls me on an even ton. That's reassuring, right? “You might wish to clean yourself.”

I look down. He's right. The sight of my coated stomach brings me back to a few minutes ago. That was fast. Too fucking fast. Ignis said it was alright but, guess what? It wasn't for me. I wanted to give him more, not to look like I don't know what to do with my own body.

Pathetic. How can he still be here?

The violent need to hide comes back like a boomerang. I get on my feet and look around. Not sure what I'm looking for. The bathroom, maybe? It's my place, I should know where… yep, right there.

I turn and cross the room until a painful idea runs through my mind. Ignis could leave. He could run away while I'm in the bathroom. Could he?

“I won't be long,” I promise as I look at him, my heart pounding in my chest.

“Take all the time you need.”

Not what I wanted to hear. Well, that will have to do.

I push the door behind me but I don't close it. He's moving in the other room, I can hear his steps, but I don't dare look. I can't watch anything from the shower anyway. Instead, I wash myself as fast as possible. The hot water is helping. Just a bit. Then I brush my teeth to keep my breath fresh.

When I go back in the living room, I notice Ignis folded our clothes in two piles that he put at the end of the couch. Here's my answer! That's what he was doing. Of course, before leaving, he would clean the mess. Before the end of the world, he would clean the mess. But if he intended to go, his clothes wouldn't be folded next to mine. Right? Tell me I'm right.

“You can go, if you want,” I tell him and he gets up, still naked.

My eyes wander for a second and I shiver as I remember that he was in my mouth not so long ago. That was probably a bad, bad idea, but the concept is still so damn appealing. I think I spot a hickey on his neck. And his hair is a real mess.

Fuck! What a beautiful man!

“Thank you. I won't be long either.”

He leaves me alone and I wait for the water to run to act. I still want him here and I have to make it crystal clear.

 

_Ignis_

 

At this point of the night, it is better to avoid the mirror. The moment Noctis leaves my sight, I am overwhelmed by guilt. Yet, the part of my being who begged me to stay is still active, repeating that everything will be alright, that this night is a blessing. I couldn't say if… is it a lie? I would give anything to be in Noctis' arms again. Anything.

I was so wrong.

Exactly as I predicted, the guilt is swallowed in the void the moment my eyes lay on Noctis again. He is lying on the couch, his posing seems falsely nonchalant. He is covered by a blanket that was not here when I left for the bathroom, that does not even belong to this room. I recognize it. This is the duvet from his bed. He is not planning on sleeping in his bedroom tonight, apparently.

He hears me, looks up, and all I notice is that his hair is still wet, and my first reflex is to tell him to go back drying it before getting sick. Fortunately, I keep this advice for myself. I don't focus on this detail very long for the following second Noctis opens the blanket to invite me to join him. He's not dressed. I can hear his whole body calling for me. I don't resist. There is no will in me anymore.

I walk toward him and untie the towel wrapped around my waist. It falls on the floor quietly and I slide under the duvet, the feel of his warm skin devouring what is left of my strength, of my sanity. Of me.

 

_Noctis_

 

He stayed. Again.

I touch his chest to listen to his heart. The beating is so strong. I often forget the soldier hiding in his slender body. He pushes my hair off of my forehead and the look in his eyes is all the more intense. I'm definitely not cold anymore. It's like he can see right through me. In a way, it's more than just being naked in front of him. A smile curls the corners of my mouth. This intimacy... This is really nice.

“It's like you're hiding,” he murmurs, pushing another lock that tickles my cheek.

“I'll never hide from you.”

Is it true? I tried to run away earlier tonight, after that pathetic kiss in the park. It seems like it happens ages ago.

I hope this will never happen again.

Never.

Ignis smiles at me. I'm feeling happy now.

 

_Ignis_

 

It does not take a long time for Noctis to fall asleep. As usual, his breathing turns whistling, and he buries half of his face in his pillow.

If I had been told this evening, when I got in my car to pick him up, that I would spend the night with him, as his lover, I wouldn't have been amused.

I remember exactly the day, the moment when I faced the truth, when I realized that I was in love with Noctis.

I was sixteen. It had been a long day, the kind of day when we never seem to truly awake from the previous night. My mind was closed to the rest of the world and when I joined the meeting with the king and his advisors this day… I do not remember one hundredth of the conversations they had during the eternity that this session lasted. Yet, one sentence awoke me like a punch in the stomach.

“I know that Prince Noctis is still very young, your Highness, however… Shouldn't it be the right time to explore the options for the future queen of Lucis?”

I heard those words, and I looked around, wondering if I had dreamt them, or if they were real.

“As you said, my son is still young and I wish for him to live the rest of his childhood as quietly as any other citizen of this city would do it,” King Regis replied.

In my chair, surrounded by all of these unimpressed faces, my reaction was _No! Noct is supposed to stay by my side_. I was terrified.

Once alone that evening, I thought about this with the firm intention to quiet the fear growing inside me, festering me like poison. I could not get it out of my head, and as I was remembering Regis' words, it became clear as day that my feelings had nothing to do with our friendship. When Noctis knocked on my door that evening, drawing me back to reality, the sight of him on my doorstep only gave me the answer I was looking for.

I loved him. Without ever giving myself the permission to believe, a part of me had always pictured myself at his side… sitting next to his throne. Forever.

But the fears remained, because I didn't belong there. I still don't.

*

When I wake up, the moon is nowhere to be seen, but dawn is not coloring the horizon yet. Due to the lack of space on the couch, Noctis is still asleep in the exact same position. A deep sleep. If I move, he will not even notice.

Just a moment. I will stay a while longer. This shall never happen again, so now is the time to enjoy it.

Noct…

 

_Noctis_

 

It smells like coffee, and toasted bread. I open my eyes. I'm alone. No, he's still here. The breakfast is already made. When did he get up?

I sit, the sun warming my back, and grab the clothes within my reach. Underwear. Pants. I put my slippers on and get to the kitchen, looking for Ignis. I'm about to call his name when he appears from the hallway. He's ready. His clothes, his hair, everything is done. A coat and a scarf are hanging at his… arm.

“The toast is in the oven. It should still be hot. I gathered the dirty clothes you left on the floor of your bedroom. There was a lot but they should be returned by the end of the week.”

“You're leaving.”

Not even a question. He's putting his gloves on, then his coat.

“It is a busy day. I do not wish to be late.”

Why isn't he looking at me? I'm right here, a few feet away. Why? My chest tightened and I regret not putting my t-shirt on. I'm freezing.

“You'll come back tonight, right?” I ask.

No answer. He just pushes his glasses on his nose. His fucking glasses!

Look at me. But he keeps ignoring me.

Just look at me!

Ignis!

“I should go.”

And he leaves. This can't be real. He… Last night...

Seconds pass before I find the strength to move. When I reach the hallway, the door is closing behind him. I'm running out of air.

What… why…

Ignis.

He's gone.


End file.
